This is a thing that will most likely never happen. In my head it seems like a really good idea. Let’s pretend that we live in a reality where I am funny. Not just amusing because of my unintentional humor, but honestly funny. That world does not exist. So here are a bunch of dumb ideas I’d develop into a stand up routine if I ever grew a set of balls and tried stand up. This ideas are so bad no respectfully funny person would touch them:
How my cat Pandora is such a hipster. Originally I thought of doing a bunch of jokes about how CATS are hipsters. But I figure that giving it a specific cat makes it funnier.
- She buries her food because she likes her food better if it is more underground.
- She likes to sit in a warm spot on the floor before it becomes cool.
- She dislikes getting the same food every day because it’s become mainstream.
- She eats cheap cat food ironically.
- She thinks it is ironic that most people use the word irony when them mean coincidence.
- She named her band 1023MB because she figured that they would never get a gig.
- She’d wear glasses but all hipsters wear glasses so they’ve become too mainstream.
On spending $50 for a bra:
- If I spent that much for a bra, I would want a sexy guy to gentle cup my breast while whispering into my ear how smart, funny and cute I was.
- I suppose for less money say $40 I’d get a moderately cute guy whispering that I was average.
- Although for $10 this metaphor totally falls apart.
- On the other hand if someone fondles my breasts while whispering into my ear how funny, smart and beautiful that might keep me shopping at that store. (talk about killing a joke with wordiness)
The other day Pandora told me a joke. She said “Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?” I asked her why? She replied “Because I ate ’em. Now get me my dinner human.” Cats….
Thank you I’ll be here for a very long time. Tip the veal. Try your waitress!