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This is a thing that will most likely never happen.  In my head it seems like a really good idea.  Let’s pretend that we live in a reality where I am funny.  Not just amusing because of my unintentional humor, but  honestly funny. That world does not exist.  So here are a bunch of dumb ideas I’d develop into a stand up routine if I ever grew a set of balls and tried stand up.  This ideas are so bad no respectfully funny person would touch them:

How my cat Pandora is such a hipster.  Originally I thought of doing a bunch of jokes about how CATS are hipsters.  But I figure that giving it a specific cat makes it funnier.

  • She buries her food because she likes her food better if it is more underground.
  • She likes to sit in a warm spot on the floor before it becomes cool.
  • She dislikes getting the same food every day because it’s become mainstream.
  • She eats cheap cat food ironically.
  • She thinks it is ironic that most people use the word irony when them mean coincidence.
  • She named her band 1023MB because she figured that they would never get a gig.
  • She’d wear glasses but all hipsters wear glasses so they’ve become too mainstream.

On spending $50 for a bra:

  • If I spent that much for a bra, I would want a sexy guy to gentle cup my breast while whispering into my ear  how smart, funny and cute I was.
  • I suppose for less money say $40 I’d get a moderately cute guy whispering that I was average.
  • Although for $10 this metaphor totally falls apart.
  • On the other hand if someone fondles my breasts while whispering into my ear how funny, smart and beautiful that might keep me shopping at that store.  (talk about killing a joke with wordiness)

The other day Pandora told me a joke. She said “Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?”  I asked her why?  She replied “Because I ate ’em. Now get me my dinner  human.”  Cats….

Thank you I’ll be here for a very long time.  Tip the veal. Try your waitress!