, , , , , , , , ,

So you might be wondering what the goal of these seed posts are? Or maybe you stumbled up on this article looking for something actually funny.  I know the self deprecating thing is getting old and that is why I will ride that into the ground.   This is a place where I do my incredibly hacky and awkward comedy! (Oh spell check wants to correct that as wacky.  That’s adorable.)

So this is the second installment.  I’m totally positive that you have been on the edge of your seat waiting for a follow up to this gem:


How do i follow that shit comic gold up? Let us try!

In the hands of a real comic, there is lots of comic gold in talking about qualities that you had no control over.  Things like this include being female, short and aging. Oh snap, I’m those.  Unfortunately I have very little talent to make things actually funny so let’s see what overused trope I can come up with and re-use.  Recycling is all the thing so why not do it in comedy?? (The Gods of Irony might make me actually famous for this shit stuff.  Good thing very few people actually read this.)

  • On being female: The thing that is beginning to really irritate me is the assumption that if hot girls are not into something, women aren’t into it.  You’d think that type of humor would have died out by now. But the poor nerd who is really smart but can’t get a date still gets laughs.  Oh and why is a woman’s worth all of a sudden being based on the ability to procreate? Many people think it is odd that I do not want children.  It’s so annoying how obsessed with female celebrities having children.  Oh William and Kate are expecting their first child.
  • On being part Polish: Wait…what was I doing?
  • On being old: Let’s face it, in this society if you are over the age of 25 you are OLD.  I’m over 25.  I have been for a while. Now I could claim to be 29 for ever and see when that catches up to me. I think my Grandmother still thinks she is 39 in her head. Maybe she’s up that a bit but who knows.  She barely goes out but will always make it to the hair dressers to get her hair died.  Somewhere inside my Grandmother there is a good decent human being. Ok, she is at least an inspiration of what not to do and be.  That’s got to count for something! Oh and she gave me the gem that everything has a time and a place.  I’m still waiting on us doing something someday.  She has been a bit of a disappointment.  Oh hell that is not funny— it’s just sad.  It is sad what the current pop culture is doing with the subject of aging.  Oh you know what’s funny about aging?  Have you seen the Expendables?  Looking at the Arnold and Sly Stallone desperately trying to hold on to their youth is tragically sad.  It fails to look natural and therefore just funny.  Oh the make up at the end of the second Harry Potter movie was funny in an unintentional way. Oh and when they age the How I Met Your Mother caste to make them look 10 years old—it’s funny because not all 40 year olds look ya know old.  Amiright Chris Hardwick?
  • On being stout/chubby/fat: I’ve been dieting on and off since I was 16.  My weight didn’t zoom up to over 200lbs until a few years ago.  I didn’t get pregnant.  I just had horrible eating habits and didn’t move much.  I have a very efficient metabolism so that didn’t help.  It got to the point where I couldn’t sit comfortable in an airline seat.  To this day I look at a chair and wonder if it will hold me. There are so many things thin/normal people take for granted.  Clothing has an upper limit of size.  It is frustrating to pick up the largest size and it be too small.  I buy most of my clothing online.  Apparently if you are an extra large your arms are really really long.
  • On not having blue/grey eyes: Proof positive that I should never gamble.  Maybe there is a bright spot to the genetic lottery? Both of my Grandmother’s had blues.  One of them still does as she is like still alive.  So if you do the math I should have a 50% of having blue/grey eyes.  I ended up with the most boring of the eye colors–hazel. It’s an eye color that cannot make up it’s mind.  Are they green? Are they brown? NO…they are Hazel. blah.
  • On being related to Danny DeVito (Maybe….)  This brings me to possible bring related to Danny DeVito…..I am sure as heck short and stout…if I’m related to Danny DeVito why can’t I also be funny?!?!?

The whole point of this type of humor is to make you feel good about not being me.  Don’t you already feel much better? I’m short and stout.  My memory is more like a sieve than a computer.  I have the toughest time with spelling.  Languages allude me.  I love food way too much.  I’m obsessed with things I shouldn’t be—like how many downloads my podcast got, how many likes my facebook page has, how many people follow me on twitter, how many people are subscribed to my wordpress site, how many articles I have published on nerdist.com, how much is Chris Hardwick NOT annoyed by me, etc.  In the hands and mind of a better comedian all this would actually be funny.

At least I’ve done all the work such that trolls fail to be attracted to my work. Oh I forgot that my writing doesn’t attract flies never mind readers and far less possible TROLLS.  So ultimately I have spent time writing something that seems more self obsessive than anything amusing or funny or enlightening…….I have the desire of creation without the talent to actually create.  So during the times when I’m not suffering from crippling self doubt, here I am!!

By the way, thanks to the help of Dave Hill I have a title for my never to be performed comedy special.  *drum roll* Why not bacon? The catch is that I will never once mention bacon. Oh that is hack city.  If I don’t have enough material, I’ll just fill up the special with memes and silly jokes. I’ll do this for the last podcast of the year. It’ll parallel the Nerdist comedy special that they have done for the last two years.

If you like the stuff I do then feel free to toss me $1 every once in a while.  There is a donate button all the way to the right of your screen. I’ll thank you in my podcast as only *I* can.