Here are links to previous gems:
I have asked myself the reason for these little updates. I’m trying to find my own voice. If I can truly write what I’m really thinking and feeling then maybe one day I can help the characters in my stories do the same thing. I’m not sure this is the way to go about it. Oh yeah and I have delusions of being amusingly and hysterically funny. Clearly I miss the mark on so many levels.
This is a weird awkward comedy update. I wrote the ending after seeing a Bob Saget show. I am usually not raw at all. But it seems appropriate given the show I had lived though. Maybe that also misses the mark. I cannot be sure.
I always wonder if I’m smart enough or if my brain will ever work quickly enough to attempt stand up. These “thoughts’ arrive relatively quickly but I have the luxury of time to ruminate over them. It’s not my intention to insult or hurt anyone. This preamble is too long.
NEW: I’ve decided to release this on Pi day or…..Steak day. You’ll see why this is….appropriate if you read beyond the cut.
- To this day the only thing I have ever won was a 6 pack of Budwiser. I was 10 years old at the time. I thought it would be the start of something grand. Bud…a 6 pack. I was a beer snob before I even knew what beer was.
- Someone tweeted that I have a cute RI accent. Wicked awesome. I’m going to go pahrk my cahr in stahr mahrket. Some how I do not think that translates to writing as well as the spoken work.
- CH’s hair and guys hair cuts in general Like….who the hell has been cutting CH’s hair lately? He looks like he just got out of prison. Or maybe Helen Keller did it? Who ever it was needs to be arrested for the atrocities done to that beautiful head of hair. Maybe he should try Great Cuts over Super Cuts? …or another Super Cuts. Surely he can’t have his own hair stylist?
- Age body image. There has to be more stuff to mine here!!! I’m back on a diet but hit a plateau that I may never get under. In other shocking news: I feel like crap about myself. Most of the time this stuff doesn’t bother me. It really doesn’t. I hate how all the images we see are of women who are slightly more than bones with skin. Gosh that wasn’t very funny…just sad.
- I adore the new Doctor Who companion. She’s short (5’3″), brunette has dimples…why I could be just as cute as her …..if I were bunches thinner and younger. There is a picture of her. She has rather large ….tracks of land. It seems like she’s been dealt an excellent genetic hand. She’s extra blessed. It seems really unfair that I can be this over weight and ……not well endowed at all. I used to be afraid that if I lost weight I would loose my breast. Clearly weight does not indicate how large a woman’s breasts are. Life has dwelt me a rather average genetic hand. I still adore her.
- I was unapologetically enthusiastic before CH made it mainstream! But seriously, I owe him much. So when people make fun of him for being positive I feel like they would think WORSE of me. I’m a fan girl at my age? Yes.
- Bob Saget show; would have been worth it if I got a picture with him or a BJ. When I tweeted that–because without social media is be stuck talking to ONLY the voices in my head–the tweet went long so there was TMI in the short link. It’s true that it’s TMI, but hear me out! I now feel like I owe CH money or a BJ. Actually I just want an excuse to suck his cock. Oh the shame of a nerd fan girl. What’s even worse is that he knows me–by name. I think I might have this weird challenge to see how weird I can make it. I’m not sure why. I’m already like a deer in the headlights when he’s around. The point is that CH was way more entertaining for a reasonable price.
- That last bit made me blush…
- If I ever tell this bit in front of CH I’m replacing the comic with Dave Hill. I have his undershirt and he’s my comedy boyfriend.
- I think a more comedic version of that bit would be to replace CH with Jeff Dunham. ” Oh puppets that aren’t Muppets and say social insulting things…oh oh oh…”
- I’m pretty sure that would take a great deal of dedication to the bit. I have little shame but I might have too much for that.
- I’m really not trying to add a restraining order from CH to my collection of politely worded and personally addressed cease and desist emails.
- Why am I writing dirty jokes about CH after seeing Bob Saget????
- Something about tapping that and tagging nuts….. I’m out!